Sometimes I stagnate. In writing, in taking care of myself, in feeding my spirit, in taking care of the house, in moving forward in my life. The older I get, the more tired and complacent I get. However, this is not what we are supposed to do with our lives. There is no standing still. Either you're moving forward or else you're slowly (or even quickly) sliding back.
One of the things that gets me, though, is I've been the uber-responsible perfectionist before. It broke me. Shattered me into little pieces. We aren't meant to do that, either -- at least most of us aren't. We're just supposed to do our best, and sometimes that isn't as much as we'd like to think it is. Christ makes up for the rest.
How do I balance the two states of mind? This is a question I have had for many, many years, partially because the answer changes. Some days, when the depression is bad, my best is just getting out of bed. Other days I can do more. But part of the journey through counseling and getting better (not eliminating the depression, just learning to deal with it better and be more functional. Because for some of us it will never fully go away in this life) is building my functionality. Being a little better, doing a little more, than I did before.
So I'm adding a little to my spiritual routine. I'm adding a little to my physical routine. I'm adding a little to my service routine. Seasoned with music to make it easier, it's not so bad. I've been doing it for four days. So far, so good. Part of the struggle is the depression, but part of it is the habit of living with depression and the resulting 'lowered' standards -- which must be lowered sometimes, but I have to be careful not to let the lowered standards become habit or be there as a result of giving up. I have to keep trying. It's not easy -- I want a simple formula that works the same every day, and it just doesn't work that way -- but EVERYONE can try, though what each of us can do will vary.
3 months ago