My ultra-boring life

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Music

I've added some more music to my playlist at the bottom of this page.  Specifically, they are some ukulele covers from my cousin Stephanie Pack and they are quite good, especially considering that she just finished high school and only made the CD  for her brother for Christmas or something.
I've been listening to music a lot the last few days as I struggle to find meaning in the long, empty days.  While the struggle still exists, the music really helps.  Today I was able to do lots of laundry and some other household chores as I be-bopped to the tunes.  I'm working my way up to writing something meaningful.  So watch this space!  (Right now I'm just practicing.)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Weather

It's cold and gray and rainy today.  I love it.  I love living in a place that's not hot and humid from April through October.  It's supposed to be nice tomorrow though -- sunnier and a bit warmer, but not hot.  We're going to have a barbecue with our neighbors and I'm excited.  I feel like the weather is helping me slowly build up my functionality, like I can do a little more today than I did yesterday.  We can ALL do a little better today than we did yesterday, but sometimes it's a little harder than at other times.  I planted flowers in my big flower pot out front yesterday and we'll work more in the yard tomorrow -- it's almost as rewarding as temple work, but even harder to make myself do it!  But there's just something about being outside DOING things when the weather is fine that seems to fulfill a measure of our creation.  Ahhhhh.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Progress!

Well here I am again.  Didja miss me?

School is out for the summer.  This is both a good and bad thing.  It really stresses me out, even though I got all A's this semester (yay!), but I need that focus, that drive.  It really worries me since I've been home the last week (I was in Utah for a couple of weeks right after school got out, going to weddings and visiting friends and family), because I'm so BORED and having a hard time getting myself to just do the things I need to do.  Clean the house.  Exercise.  Write.  You know, be productive.  It's very hard with the depression to approach this in a 'baby step' kind of way, slowly building my functionality.  At the beginning of this week I wasn't sure I could do it at all, but by today I've been a little better every couple of days so I'm a little more hopeful.  It's not all black and white; all or nothing.

One of the things I'm supposed to be doing is logging what I eat and do on www.loseit.com for my doctor.  It's actually a pretty good site, you plug in how much you weigh and other things, and it tells you how many calories you can consume and tracks your activities and such.  I've not been very good at this but I've been better the last couple of days -- you should try it.  It's also a social site, so you can follow your friends' progress if you want.

Another thing about the weddings I went to -- they were both temple weddings, for time and all eternity, and they brought me to tears.  They were both for cousins that I know somewhat well (sort of) and it was so awesome to see them there doing this.  There's just something so...happy about this sort of thing.  So I bought a new temple dress and new temple shoes and hopefully I'll talk myself into going to the temple more often.  It's hard.  But it helps.  There's a special spirit about it that is so wonderful, if I can just get past my personal stresses.

In other news, I took Jeff to my in-laws today.  Yup, he's officially moved out.  It brings me a lot of mixed emotions.  No more worrying about him, no more insults, no more special meals because he's such a picky eater, no more of a lot of stressors.  But I feel like such a failure.  Like we didn't teach him enough in the two years he was here; we didn't instill enough respect and discipline.  He'll get a lot of that at his grandparents' house, but I'm not sure it will come with the love he also needs.  My counselor says that I need to remember that I STILL did some good, I just can't feel it right now.  I hope I feel it someday.